Whilst most people need other people to cling on to, I, on the contrary, have existed alone. I have agreed to myself that crying is never essential and that shedding tears can only trigger dehydration. No one has to know that I am hurting inside. I can always put on a smile to fake happiness. Time and experience are two of my greatest teachers. Time taught me to slack, to relax, taught me to put off things and to bear most of the pain I get to live with as it progresses. Experience had equipped me with apathy, it had taught me to hold back, to keep myself from trusting too easily, to swerve away from begging for help and to live life as though I were unfeeling. This doesn’t really make sense, though, but I think it pays to keep dampening emotions off my chest. I am not good at balance nor any better at calming myself down when emotions get over the top. I used to hear voices. Most of them tend to tell me to stop doing what I am doing right now, while the rest pester me about doing something which can be inevitably sinful. So, before the next sun rises, I should have already given justice to every irrational thought that tends to abduct vigor from my soul. I am torn between two tempting ideas (although one of it proves to be stronger than the other) and I do not know which one is best for me. I am longing for independence yet I want somebody to hold me back. I want to venture strange and uncelebrated places yet fear tends to make me think twice. I want to be left alone but I think, all I really want is to be with somebody who can escape with me to fantasy land. The latter idea, however, is not really ideal. I hate to depend! I hate to receive instructions. I don’t want to be told what to do. I am stubborn, and that trait had made a difference in my life. Having to depend on somebody is clearly not in my nature. But, how come I end up wanting “to listen to your every word”? Is this then another way of growing up? What is it then with childhood that we all need to outgrow? I am afraid it’s not immaturity. Rather, it is a child’s way of making feeble choices. I have learned that in order to strike fairness to an unfair world, we need to make strict choices for ourselves. Therefore, I have to choose whether to stay by “your” side or to leave without giving “you” a single hint of reason. I am even wondering if I ought to give “you” a reason at all. Would it make a difference? Would it make me whole again if I keep things to myself? What difference would it make if I’ll let “you” go? I bet it won’t make any difference, after all, I have been accustomed to letting people go. Maybe, I’ll just end it this way.

I have to make strict choices for myself and one of it is to set myself free. I have not a single business in the place “you’re” sort of wanting me to be. I simply don’t want myself to belong.