I started drinking coffee when i was in college, whenever i study in the early morning hours I always have my mug with coffee in it. I would sit back, relax and smell the delicious sweet aroma of my beloved coffee, yes laugh all you want, but i was in love with coffee or let’s just say “ADDICTED” to it. I can’t be my normal self when I can’t have my coffee, okay let’s face it, I am cranky during morning (duh!) i am not a morning person, never was. I usually consumed 5 or 6 packets of coffee in a day, imagine me drinking that much caffeine which is never good for the body, at that time I was too stubborn to think about my health. I kept on with my coffee drinking until my father advised me to cut some slack on it, I never listened to him….

One day I was at work, I just finished drinking my 3rd mug of coffee, I can feel my heart rate speed up (it’s like my heart would jump out from my ribs, lol) and I thought it’s okay, it’s just the caffeine. Later on, I had diarrhea (lol, I was at work and i kept going to the comfort room…grrrr!) and I thought it was the food I ate. Later in the evening, I had a headache, I thought maybe it’s my PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome) but again i’m wrong. The next morning, I found out some red bumps on my legs, I was really troubled now. I keep on thinking and trying to figure out my allergies for how many years. What could have caused this? Then it all came to me, it was the COFFEE. Because of my scars from the allergy, I never wore a skirt again, afraid to show my legs to a lot of people (ha! never! only a few can see it) and can never drink coffee T_T.

I ended my long term relationship with my beloved coffee last year, I miss coffee (waaaahhhh!). Whenever my officemates drink coffee, I go near their station, stand beside them and take a sniff of that sweet delicious smell… aaaahhhh! If only i can drink coffee again, I would savor the taste, treasure and love it….lol, laugh all you want but that’s the way I feel about COFFEE and as what Drew Sirtors said “Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.” I, the COFFEE ADDICT, can’t even take a sip of coffee while I have to watch people drinking and enjoying their coffee, this is ABSTINENCE, this is TORTURE but I have to do this for the sake of my health and what’s good for me. So here I am, living a healthy lifestyle making up for the things I’ve done and refrain from doing bad for my health.

sinful tongue

In our everyday life, we can’t help and avoid using our tongue in speaking, and sometimes we use it to hurt, lie, flatter, boast, backbite and etc. I do admit I have sinned and misuse my tongue to the extent of hurting other people, I am not perfect and I have sinned against God. I admit I had a very bad temper before and my father always stated to me “Think twice before you speak once,” I have learned from him and it did do some good things on me and in my life. As what I have learned from the Bible (James 3: 7-8) “For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” It was also indicated in the Bible that a person’s character can be judged by the way they use their tongue. I do believe in proverbs and learnings from the Bible but you cannot judge the person why he is like that because every person has a story behind it. If you think about it, if you let loose of your tongue and do misuse it, it can cause damage to others and it will hurt them. It is better to tame your tongue from saying such hurting words and think what you say first so as not to hurt anyone.

There are different kinds of tongues in the Bible:

FLATTERING TONGUE (Psalm 5:9)
“For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue.”

PROUD TONGUE (Psalm 12:3-4)
“The LORD shall cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that speaketh proud things: Who have said, With our tongue will we prevail; our lips are our own: who is lord over us?”

LYING TONGUE (Psalm 109:2; Prov. 6:17)
“For they have opened the wicked and deceitful mouth against me; They have spoken against me with a lying tongue.”
“Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood”

DECEITFUL TONGUE (Psalm 120:2)
“Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue.”

PERVERTED TONGUE (Prov. 10:31; 17:20)
“The mouth of the righteous flows with wisdom, but the perverted tongue will be cut out.”
“He who has a crooked mind finds no good, and he who is perverted in his language falls into evil.”

SOOTHING TONGUE (Prov. 15:4)
“To give prudence to the naive, To the youth knowledge and discretion”

HEALING TONGUE (Prov. 12:18)
“There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

DESTRUCTIVE TONGUE (Prov. 17:4)
“An evildoer listens to wicked lips; A liar pays attention to a destructive tongue.”

MISCHIEVOUS AND WICKED TONGUE (Psalm 10:7)
“His mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression; Under his tongue is mischief and wickedness.”

SOFT TONGUE (Prov. 25:15)
“By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, And a soft tongue breaks the bone.”

BACKBITING TONGUE (Prov. 25:23)
“The north wind brings forth rain, And a backbiting tongue, an angry countenance.”

Nowadays people curse, mock and lie when face with their adversary/enemies, thus provoking that person into anger and not resolving the problem. It is better to watch our tongue, control and tame it to avoid hurting people. Thus listening is better than talking nonsense words, if you want to talk, talk with some sense and respect to whom you are talking to. Using profane and vulgar words should be minimize at all cost, at what James 3:6 stated “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”

Taming the tongue itself is hard, but by practicing little by little we might be able to have a better personality and peaceful society. We should set an example to teenagers and to others, we don’t do it by just talking but through our actions. Start today and remember what 1 Peter 3:9-11 “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.”

refusing to move

wanting to stay

hating the thought of freedom

needing nothing more than bondage

making its way to remain rooted on the spot

seconds flutter

minutes move in agitation

hours gone scurrying

days had been bullying it off

yet it refuses to move

it wants to stay

hating the thought of freedom

needing nothing more than bondage

making its way to remain undone

months hurtling in a jiffy

years leaping without backward glances

still it refuses to move

it wants not to budge

never wanting the thought of freedom

needing nothing, save a single whisper of reason

making its way to remain rooted on the spot

creating a chance to believe

that somehow it can depend

From a lonely place, I hid from realities of life. I was trapped in my own fantasies and make believes, I was in my own world and making my own story. I was a quiet and shy girl who remained safe in her comfort zone and never ventured outside of it. I immersed myself on my books, not interacting with people and not sharing anything from them. I remained inconspicuous and be an observer to my surroundings, sometimes people would not notice me as I silently sit in a corner, write my thoughts and make stories. My father was concerned about me, then one day he told me to snap out of it, he said I should come out from my shell and share my thoughts. At first, I was afraid to take a step outside my comfort zone, because I was safe there and nothing could destroy my happiness. But then, I was also curious of what’s outside my safe zone, I made up my mind and tried to blend in with some people. I was surprised that I like their company and I was also able to learn something from them. I struggled with my timid self and slowly became a self-confident person, I was proud of myself for getting this far. It was not an easy process for me, but I did turn out fine and good. Now, I am confident with myself and at ease when talking to people. I am not afraid, I have conquered my fear and only I can make myself more better. I am also thankful that I have met some few friends that I can call as real and true. But above all, I thank God for his blessings and his guidance. Now, I don’t face my world of fantasies but now I can see the world with new eyes and face reality…

Whilst most people need other people to cling on to, I, on the contrary, have existed alone. I have agreed to myself that crying is never essential and that shedding tears can only trigger dehydration. No one has to know that I am hurting inside. I can always put on a smile to fake happiness. Time and experience are two of my greatest teachers. Time taught me to slack, to relax, taught me to put off things and to bear most of the pain I get to live with as it progresses. Experience had equipped me with apathy, it had taught me to hold back, to keep myself from trusting too easily, to swerve away from begging for help and to live life as though I were unfeeling. This doesn’t really make sense, though, but I think it pays to keep dampening emotions off my chest. I am not good at balance nor any better at calming myself down when emotions get over the top. I used to hear voices. Most of them tend to tell me to stop doing what I am doing right now, while the rest pester me about doing something which can be inevitably sinful. So, before the next sun rises, I should have already given justice to every irrational thought that tends to abduct vigor from my soul. I am torn between two tempting ideas (although one of it proves to be stronger than the other) and I do not know which one is best for me. I am longing for independence yet I want somebody to hold me back. I want to venture strange and uncelebrated places yet fear tends to make me think twice. I want to be left alone but I think, all I really want is to be with somebody who can escape with me to fantasy land. The latter idea, however, is not really ideal. I hate to depend! I hate to receive instructions. I don’t want to be told what to do. I am stubborn, and that trait had made a difference in my life. Having to depend on somebody is clearly not in my nature. But, how come I end up wanting “to listen to your every word”? Is this then another way of growing up? What is it then with childhood that we all need to outgrow? I am afraid it’s not immaturity. Rather, it is a child’s way of making feeble choices. I have learned that in order to strike fairness to an unfair world, we need to make strict choices for ourselves. Therefore, I have to choose whether to stay by “your” side or to leave without giving “you” a single hint of reason. I am even wondering if I ought to give “you” a reason at all. Would it make a difference? Would it make me whole again if I keep things to myself? What difference would it make if I’ll let “you” go? I bet it won’t make any difference, after all, I have been accustomed to letting people go. Maybe, I’ll just end it this way.

I have to make strict choices for myself and one of it is to set myself free. I have not a single business in the place “you’re” sort of wanting me to be. I simply don’t want myself to belong.

Do you think I’m not trying? Do you think I am on the verge of giving up? At least, not yet.

How hard is it to understand life? How hard is it to understand the real situation? Isn’t it that obvious? Do you want me to slap it in your face? I need help and I am drowning. Do you still want to see me in a coffin just to let you realize how hard the road I’ve been walking and still walking on?

How hard is it to become a fool sometimes just to get through the thick times? Do we need to listen to what others would tell? Are they one of us? Are they that sensible to your life? How hard is it? Can you please clear out the questions in my mind?

I’m not sturdy but I’m trying to be one. I’ve been diving to uncertainties and hurting myself with what I just did just to get some changes out of it. But here I am again in this carousel life we live. So stubborn with my love to you that I even forget myself to show a real smile. I hate to die but I am dying.

So, please now can you tell me. How hard is it? How hard is it understand and realize where I have been standing all along.